Bullying is something I despise. I was bullied at secondary school to the extent that I became totally introvert. I vowed on the day I left school that I would become the real person who had been living inside my mind and would never tolerate bullying again.
In real life once I became myself, I found that I was never bullied again and I developed a good circle of friends. Although inside I was still slightly social phobic I managed to portray confidence at work … I suppose I hid behind my makeup and my suit. Whenever, I went out socially I would always have a couple of drinks … beforehand just to take the edge off my nerves.
My first experience of forums was a debt help forum where there was very little cyber bullying and generally everyone really supported one another and enjoyed stupidity and laughter in the Time Out section. Some of us really were going off at tangents and so the Admin at the time created Arkham for us.
This is what it said on the entrance to Arkham:
Do not post here if you are easily offended. This section of the Off Topic has been created to separate the normal OT posts from the one’s made by people who are simply as Mad as Buttons. Please note that topics responded to here will not increase your post count.
Being in debt is a terrible place and it really helped us to get through the tough times, being able to be our ‘mental’ selves in Arkham. I use the word mental as that’s what society calls us. We are however, mostly sensitive individuals who struggle with the world and society. I spent 3 years of my life on that forum and forged some wonderful friendships that will last a lifetime.
Later I joined a business forum and as far as I am aware I got along fine with many on there … I certainly got tons of help from people, particularly the IT guys. Big hug for my buddies who were trying to teach me (but mostly failing) how to become a proper geek :D x
As a community member I tried also to help others where I could. There were a few attempts at cyberbullying but I stood my ground, always within the rules of the forum of course.
So where did it fall down? I joined a florist forum where I have never seen bullying like it. As I was there as a full paying business member I remained professional throughout. The problem was that this particular forum was bizarre … the keyboard warriors/cyber bullies/trolls had actually taken control of the forum and it would appear that the forum admin was either oblivious to it or supported it. I do have another theory but that’s for another time.
So what makes someone bully? The following is again taken from www.bullyonline.org. Apart from cyber bullying it deals with bullying in the workplace which for many of us, myself included, the is actually the internet.
People who bully are adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about them. The method of creating conflict is provocation which bullies delight in because they know they can always coerce at least one person to respond in a manner which can then be distorted and used to further flame and inflame people. And so it goes on. The bully then sits back and gains gratification from seeing others engage in destructive behaviour towards each other.
Many serial bullies are also serial attention-seekers. More than anything else they want attention. It doesn’t matter what type of attention they get, positive or negative, as long as they can provoke someone into paying them attention.
The anger of a serial bully is especially apparent when they come across someone who can see through them to espy the weak, inadequate, immature, dysfunctional aggressive individual behind the mask.
The objectives of bullies are Power, Control, Domination, Subjugation. They get a kick out of seeing you react. It doesn’t matter how you react, the fact they’ve successful provoked a reaction is, to the bully, a sign that their attempt at control have been successful. After that, it’s a question of wearing you down. The more your try to explain, negotiate, conciliate, etc the more gratification they obtain from your increasingly desperate attempts to communicate with them. Understand that it is not possible to communicate in a mature adult manner with a disordered individual who’s emotionally retarded.
The Number One rule for dealing with this type of behaviour is: don’t respond, don’t interact and don’t engage. This is not as easy to do as it sounds. It’s a natural response to want to defend yourself, and to put the person right. However, never argue with a serial bully; it’s not a mature adult discussion, but like dealing with a child or immature teenager; whilst the serial bully may be an adult on the outside, on the inside they are like a child who’s never grown up – and probably never will. Serial bullies and harassers often have disordered thinking patterns and do not share the same thoughts or values as you.
Become alert to provocation. It could be called “The Baiting Game” or “Bear Baiting”
A provocative comment is made and those who respond spontaneously in irritation (eg non-assertively) are then encouraged to engage in conflict with those who respond without irritation (eg assertively). The provoker watches, waits and stirs the pot with the occasional additional provocation. What interests me is the sense of gratification that a provoker gains from watching others indulge in destructive interaction initiated by him- or herself. In this context, gratification is a perverse form of satisfaction akin to, but distinct from, pleasure.
Psycho Trolls: These trolls have an unconscious psychological need to feel good by making others feel bad. Such people may use their real names on the internet, and they may not even realise that they are “trolling”.
Become an observer. Although you may be the target of the cyberbully’s anger, you can train yourself to act as an observer. This takes you out of the firing line and enables you to study the perpetrator and collect evidence. When people use bullying behaviours they project their own weaknesses, failings and shortcomings on to others. In other words, they are telling you about themselves by fabricating an accusation based on something they themselves have done wrong. Whenever you are provoked, train yourself to instinctively ask the question, “What is this person revealing about themselves this time?”
Decide if you want to take action, and if so, prepare carefully and strike hard. Sometimes refusing to respond and engage will result in the cyberbully losing interest and going off to find someone easier to torment. Sometimes though, especially if there has been interaction in the past, the cyberbully is so obsessed that s/he cannot and will not let go. You will have to make that person let go, but only through swift, hard, legal action, and only when the time is right. Don’t deal with the abuser yourself (this encourages bullies and stalkers), use a third party such as a solicitor.
Serial bullying is where the source of all dysfunction can be traced to one individual, who picks on one individual after another and destroys them. This is the most common type of bullying I come across; most of this web site is devoted to describing and defining the serial bully, who exhibits the behavioural characteristics of a socialised psychopath. Most people know at least one person in their life with the profile of the serial bully; most people do not recognise this person as a socialised psychopath, or sociopath. I estimate one person in thirty is either a physically-violent psychopath who commits criminal acts, or an antisocial whose behaviour is antisocial, or a sociopath who commits mostly non-arrestable offences. For an in-depth insight into serial bullying, click here.
Secondary bullying is mostly unwitting bullying which people start exhibiting when there’s a serial bully in the department/forum. The pressure of trying to deal with a dysfunctional, divisive and aggressive serial bully causes everyone’s behaviour to decline.
Gang bullying is a serial bully with colleagues. Gangs can occur anywhere, but flourish in corporate bullying climates. If the bully is an extrovert, they are likely to be leading from the front; they may also be a shouter and screamer, and thus easily identifiable (and recordable on tape and video-able). If the bully is an introvert, that person will be in the background initiating the mayhem but probably not taking an active part, and may thus be harder to identify. A common tactic of this type of bully is to tell everybody a different story – usually about what others are alleged to have said about that person – and encourage each person to think they are the only one with the correct story. Introvert bullies are the most dangerous bullies.
Half the people in the gang are happy for the opportunity to behave badly, they gain gratification from the feeling of power and control, and enjoy the patronage, protection and reward from the serial bully. The other half of the gang are coerced into joining in, usually through fear of being the next target if they don’t. If anything backfires, one of these coercees will be the scapegoat and sacrificial lamb on whom enraged targets will be encouraged to vent their anger. The serial bully watches from a safe distance. Serial bullies gain a great deal of gratification from encouraging and watching others engage in conflict, especially those who might otherwise pool negative information about them.
Gang bullying or group bullying is often called mobbing and usually involves scapegoating and victimisation.
In environments where bullying is the norm, most people will eventually either become bullies or become targets. There are few bystanders, as most people will eventually be sucked in. It’s about survival: you either adopt bullying tactics yourself and thus survive by not becoming a target, or you stand up against bullying and refuse to join in, in which case you are bullied, harassed, victimized and scapegoated until your health is so severely impaired that you have a stress breakdown (this is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness – see health page for details on stress, or the PTSD page for details on psychiatric injury).
How do bullies select their targets?
The bully selects their target using the following criteria:
- bullies are predatory and opportunistic – you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason – investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors
- being good at your job, often excelling
- being popular with people (colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, etc)
- more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
- being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (ie you get more attention than the bully)
- having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise
- having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)
- having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited
- being too old or too expensive (usually both)
- refusing to join an established clique
- showing independence of thought or deed
- refusing to become a corporate clone and drone
Jealousy (of relationships and perceived exclusion therefrom) and envy (of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions) are strong motivators of bullying.
Events that trigger bullying
Bullying starts after one of these events:
- the previous target leaves
- your performance unwittingly highlights, draws attention to, exposes or invites unfavourable comparison with the bully’s lack of performance (the harder you work to address the bully’s claims of underperformance, the more insecure and unstable the bully becomes)
- you may have unwittingly become the focus of attention whereas before the bully was the centre of attention (this often occurs with female bullies) – most bullies are emotionally immature and thus crave attention
- obvious displays of affection, respect or trust from co-workers
- gaining recognition for your achievements, eg winning an award or being publicly recognised
Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible
Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:
- popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
- competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
- intelligence and intellect
- honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
- you’re trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
- a well-developed integrity which you’re unwilling to compromise
- you’re always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
- successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
- a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
- imaginative, creative, innovative
- idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
- ability to master new skills
- ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
- sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
- slow to anger
- helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
- giving and selfless
- difficulty saying no
- diligent, industrious
- tolerant
- strong sense of honour
- irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
- an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people’s opinions of oneself (eg through tests, exams, appraisals, manager’s feedback, etc)
- low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
- a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
- a desire to always think well of others
- being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
- being unwilling to lower standards
- a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
- high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
- a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
- low assertiveness
- a need to feel valued
- quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
- perfectionism
- higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
- a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
- high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
- a tendency to internalise anger rather than express it
The serial bully:
- is a convincing, practised liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
- has a Jekyll and Hyde nature – is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature – only the current target of the serial bully’s aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as “charming” and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as “evil”; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act
- excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
- uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
- is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form – but there’s no substance
- is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
- is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic
- relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a “normal” human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
- is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly
- cannot be trusted or relied upon
- fails to fulfil commitments
- is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
- is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy
- exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions;
- is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability
- has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
- is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence – but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
- displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence
- undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully’s mask
- is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
- is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
- may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others’ resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
- is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
- gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
- is highly manipulative, especially of people’s perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
- poisons peoples’ minds by manipulating their perceptions
- when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
- is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
- often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
- is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation
- is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
- often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
You can find lots more information, help and advice by visiting www.bullyonline.org
Although the bullies clearly did have a detrimental effect on my health and my business, it wasn’t actually the bullying that caused my own stress breakdown, although I’m sure it didn’t help.
I will always stand up to bullying … Always with love … FaerieF x
